Do you know what you really need?


According to Cloé Madanes in her book,  Relationship Breakthrough, all of us have basic needs that underlie and motivate every choice we make. She says the six needs everyone seeks to fulfill are:


Everyone needs to have some sense of certainty and security. The degree to which certainty is desired, however, varies from one person to the next. What constitutes certainty also varies from individual to individual. Code words for this need are comfort, security, safety, stability, feeling grounded, predictability, protection and a sense of being in control of one’s life.


The need for variety and challenges that will exercise our emotional and physical range is the next basic need. Just as a sense of certainty is reassuring, so the excitement that comes from variety is necessary to feel alive. Code words for uncertainty are fear, instability, change, chaos, entertainment, suspense, exertion, suspense, conflict and crisis.


Every person needs to feel important, needed, wanted. In its positive aspect, this need leads us to raising our standards, but if we are overly focused on significance, we will have trouble truly connecting with others. Code words for significance are pride, importance, standards, achievement, performance, perfection, discipline, rejection.


This one speaks for itself: everybody needs to feel loved and code words for love and connection are togetherness, passion, unity, warmth, tenderness and desire.


When we stop growing, we die. We need to constantly develop emotionally, intellectually, spiritually. We also grow and change physically throughout our lives.


This means to go beyond our own needs to give to others. It is essential to a sense of fulfillment and happiness.

The first four needs are essential for human survival and the last two are essential to human fulfillment.

Everyone experience these needs. However, everyone finds different ways of satisfying these needs. Each of these needs can be met in ways that are positive or negative. There are also paradoxes involved in these needs, for instance a strong need for security together with a strong need for variety can lead to inner conflict. The need for significance can be contradictory to the need for love.

In the most fulfilling relationships, all of our six human needs are met. Sometimes it is necessary to have some of them met by other relationships – with friends, family, or colleagues.

Understanding and satisfying the human needs of your partner is the key to a successful relationship, because it guarantees love and connection.